PTSD Explored in Extraordinary Drama, The Impossible Knife of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson

 

“Me,” I said. 

“You,” he confirmed. The marching band started playing the theme from the latest Batman movie. 

“Why didn’t you just ask me?” 

“I was afraid you’d say no.”

“What if I say no right now?” 

“Do you want to?” I watched the band move in and out of their formations.

“I haven’t decided yet.”

 “You could sit and eat while you’re thinking about it,” he suggested. We sat on the blanket, the cheeseburgers, fries, and flowers a border between us, watching the little kids and the band until halftime was over. It was marginally less awkward when the game started again, if only because there was so much to mock. Finally, the ref blew his whistle and it was official. The Belmont Machinists had lost their sixth game of the season and I had no idea what would happen next. I didn’t know what I wanted to happen next. The stadium slowly emptied; the families on the hill gathered their kids and shepherded them toward the parking lot, and soon we were the only ones left. 

“Okay, here’s the tricky part,” Finn said. “The security guard is going to walk by to see if anyone is up here partying. I’m pretty sure we’re far enough away that he won’t be able to see us, but we should lie down for ten minutes or so, to be safe.”

“That is the lamest attempt ever to get a girl on her back,” I said.

~~~

I hitch a ride back to the outpost in a truck filled with ammunition, pork chops, and two guys from Bravo Company. Private first class Mariah Stolzfuss drives, telling me about Jaden, her dancing toddler in Arkansas. We follow a Humvee that is filled with boys barely enough old to shave. A star goes supernova in the middle of the road. We fly. Wingless birds. Shock waves ripple through metal, glass, and flesh. Bone crumbles. Skin explodes. Nerves snap. Brains slosh and spill in dented tin skulls. Arteries spray like high-pressure hoses, painting the world a bright, sad red. I swim through the smoke. Private Stolzfuss still sits behind the wheel. I wipe the blood off her face to find her mouth, make her breathe. She doesn’t have a mouth. She doesn’t have a face anymore. Boys pull me away, strong boys with faces and mouths. They help me sit in the dust and try to get Private Stolzfuss out of the truck. Her arm comes off in their hands. Her blood trickles, drips. Her heart exploded in the middle of her story. In Arkansas, her son dances, waiting.

~~~

I didn't realize the complexity of this story until much later... Perhaps that is the way in life, when we notice a much louder member of the family, even in a book. For surely, this is about Hayley, a teenage girl who has just entered school--for the first time--in her teens... I quickly became engrossed into "her" story, so much so that, when the lives of other characters seemed to erupt out of nowhere, I was confused... As I think about it now, that really doesn't make sense, does it? There are always many other characters besides the main one, yet, that's what happened...

Family life is always much more complex and confusing than many outside of the family will ever know... Unless one or more chooses to make their "issues" come alive outside of the walls in which they live...but...silently cry at nights, alone, even surrounded by the family who supposedly are those who love you, who make you feel safe... who place their children before themselves at all times...   NOT...

Laurie Halse Anderson made an impression on me when I read my first book of hers. Speak - Check out my post!

Now, in The Impossible Knife of Memory, age 15+, she has once again amazed me in her very real awareness of interpersonal relationships within and without the family unit. She then has a unique ability to find the rhythm, the words...and the guts to share her understanding of what is real and important to most of us...

Hayley Kinkaid and her father move back to a town where they once lived. Her father told her he felt that she should begin going to school now... There was at least one girlfriend that remembered Hayley so that she had a friend to at least be with her as she tried to adjust to interacting with the zombies and freaks that she was meeting daily.  

The halls surged with a parade of beautiful strangers. They laughed too loud. Flirted. Shrieked. Raced. They kissed. Shoved. Tripped. Shouted. Posed. Chased. Flaunted. Taunted. Galloped. Sang. Fully assimilated zombies. I could laugh at them when I was with Gracie. 

When I walked through their herd in the east wing hall—alone—I was transformed from my confident freakself into a gawping pile of self-conscious self-loathing. Their shiny-teeth smiles made happiness look easy. They never tripped over their own feet. They could laugh without snorting and tease each other without sounding dumb. They could remember being six years old together and eight and eleven and giggle about all of it. The flaunts, the taunts, the poses, they were all part of the lie. 

My brain understood this because I’d heard the whispers. The Honor Society officers who started their day off with a little weed that melted stress like chocolate. The cheerleaders who cut themselves where the scars wouldn’t show. Debate team members busted for shoplifting. Mommy’s pills being shared like cookies, and the way Daddy’s vodka made first-period Latin fly by. As I walked down the east wing hall, I could feel their sticky fingers reaching for my brain. Puffs of yellow smoke curled toward my ears, my eyes, my nose and mouth. The hivemind wanted to penetrate and infect. Colonize. The danger was so real, so close, I didn’t dare open my mouth to ask directions. Or to howl.

~~~

Her choice of adjectives never really jelled with me...Yeah I get the zombies, but are there really that many of either? So the Urban Dictionary says that we should stay away from freaks in public...so.... there's that... Anyway, there is little interaction between Hayley and others in school, except for the four who become close friends...

The trick to surviving an interrogation is patience. Don’t offer up anything. Don’t explain. Answer the question and only the question that is asked so you don’t accidentally put your head in a noose.

~~~

Yes, there really is a guy who finds Hayley attractive, even though she didn't know what exactly to do with the growing relationship... That's alright, because I think that is true for most school students, even if they have had more experience in dealing with it... Unfortunately, Hayley's father was adamant about her getting into a normal living situation... 

To make matters worse (was that possible?), I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted with Finn. Did I like him? My opinion about that changed several times a day. Did I want him to like me? Ditto. How could I like him, how could he like me, if we didn’t know each other? The little I was able to learn about his family (perfect, middle-class people, apparently) make me pretty sure that he’d run screaming if he ever met my father. That would be a logical reaction, of course, but did I really want to fall in love (fall in “like”?) with someone who didn’t give my dad a chance? We had to get to know each other. Gradually. Baby steps. In order to do that, we’d have to break down and talk about things that were more significant than font size in online newspapers and his fevered delusions about his time studying telekinesis with a group of monks in a Himalayan ice cave. I had no idea how to do that.

~~~ 

Hayley's mother died when she was very young. Because of money issues, her dad chose to take her with him as he drove trucks across the nation, home teaching her well enough that she, perhaps, was more educated than most of the zombies who were dead-walking through high school... It was fun for readers to watch as she encounters teachers, students, and, the reality of public schools, including, yes, drills for shutdowns due to possible shootings! Of course, the latter not fun, but it was, she thought, a possible reason to tell about and hopefully convince her father that she should not be forced to attend school--she had done fine with him teaching her what she needed to know...

Trish is also an important character for Hayley, since she was a "step-mother" who live with Hayley and her father for a short period... The thing was, she left... and Hayley had learned to hate her--for leaving her--and her father... When she came back, it was difficult for Hayley to see her in their new home and, later, to hear that her father had asked her to come--and why!

What was fascinating in the book was that in every single family of her friends--of her three friends--together with Trish and her father... They ALL started sharing about the troubles being experienced and negatively affecting their lives! So, you might stop as a reader and think...Is This Really America where so Many Families are in Distress Over Things Like Drugs, Sex, Money, Violence, et.al.? Or is this just another author writing a fictional novel for entertainment? Thing is, Anderson's books are, perhaps, too real to be entertaining... Perhaps, compelling is a better word...

And suddenly we know why Laurie Haise Anderson's novels and nonfiction books are not only well-read...but also, by some, designated to be banned--for those who don't want to have their children aware that there is so much turmoil in family lives today...that they don't want, even more, specific information about what their children might be facing in schools...or, worse, what their children might be doing at any given time...

And that's why I'm recommending that White Parents Start Reading books that speak to the lives that teens are experiencing in today's world... Else, plan on those White teens who are acting based upon incitement of white supremacists and other cult-like groups...and, worse, getting OFF from murder when they come before biased judges! And contrary to what some may think, that is NOT a good thing when somebody who is guilty is, instead, found not guilty--just because of who they are...

We MUST work to teach love instead of hate against those different by virtue of race, religion, or in any other way! Else, our country's democracy will not stand... If you cannot see how this division has been created by those who are White and seek Power over all others... You Do Not See America As It Now Is! Take the time to read the books that your children want to read...Don't Ban them because of content...Believe me, they are hearing and seeing and talking much more within their peer group members! And, if you don't believe that Rittenhouse, for instance, a 17-year-old boy not yet old enough to carry an assault weapon, who crossed state lines with it...and murdered people,  should have been punished for what he did! Then, just think about what God has Said... Love Your Neighbor...That includes people different...from...YOU... And those who love do not need, or want, assault weapons because they are "cool..." (Rittenhouse got a gun purchased for him by an older man...)

PTSD of those who fought in the military is NOT being properly addressed. Hopefully, the changes and funding for veterans will improve this problem.

However, the needs of the families who have been affected by what has happened to their parents or spouses is often not as apparent--unless somebody like Laurie Halse Anderson, is willing to speak out and make the specific concerns that arise-- and dramatically demonstrate their effects--then we fail to help our children live within the chaos that is now known, even more so than in past years, by helping them to first understand...and... prepare to help if and when that need may arise... This is a Must-Read, especially for families of those who have family members in the armed services...

God Bless,

Gabbie