I woke with a jerk this morning, breathing a little harder than normal... It happened in the last sleep of the morning, after earlier reading, again, from Acts... Paul and others were going out into the towns and cities--names I'd never heard of--and was telling of Jesus, as Savior... Many believed; many didn't and they sent God's teachers from their area...
When I sat on the side of my bed this morning, realizing that I'd had a mixed-up dream again...of negative thoughts...of my mind pulling out normal things or even happy things that had been part of my life yesterday... and I heard in my left ear, from high up somewhere--Be Not Dismayed. It was a whisper. Was it from the Holy Spirit or just my memory... I find that I was now again emulating, Doubting Thomas, the apostle with whom I most closely identify... When I am afraid, scared, insecure, my emotionally damaged brain is incited...
Usually, in the past when it was closer to my being on the job, it would be job related... For instance, going back to my earlier years of office work, I may spend the night filing...or collating a report...or, you know, some tedious part of a job that is boring while it is a necessary task... Often these past days, as I heard about the ridiculous judge who has no business even being in her job, in my opinion, again held up the work of the Department of Justice... So, looking back, I knew that I was thinking during th day, when I heard the latest on the appeal, I remembered that my first job--at 18--was taking care of employee records--and handling everything needed to get everybody on the payroll and in the system... If, I, at 18, did my job, knowing that these records were to be kept confidential and...secured...how could anybody, sane, try to make people realize that a man, around my age, could NOT know he had committed a crime by taking top secret records out of the secured government files?! That irritation could have set me off in a nightful of filing...LOL
I laugh, but it really isn't funny, is it? The first think I saw when, after feeding my babies, I turned to the computer to write this, as it was fresh in my mind...and I knew that I would at least spend a page or two in my Memoir, writing and sharing my experience, in the event there might be somebody out there who would then learn about how dreams can affect you...negatively...
And tell yourself, over and over...until you believe...And then,
One of the reasons that I was worried, flustered yesterday was because neither of my helpmates had come...and I had garbage that needed to be taken to the road... If I were doing it, I would use the car...it is that far... But, this soon after the hip surgery, I was still not sure I could get the bags into the car and out again. So, I was feeling helpless, irritated at my own lack of ability to do something that should have been routine...
And then a cousin said just three words..."I told you..."
While at the same time, I was worried about getting my roof fixed or replaced but not really dealing with it... either one place didn't do what I wanted to have done...or didn't return my calls...
And, oh, one more "little" thing... I have been using food again as a comfort tool...
Soooooo, drumroll, please... This is the story my emotionally damageed self dreamed up for me...
I was at the home of a cousin (her son was named Paul) but was not the cousin that had once "touched me." Yet, nevertheless it was Paul telling me that he had just the thing I wanted... While, I was going through the refrigerator and cupboards, looking for a little kitten who was wrapped in a cloth, apparently lost from its mother, and I needed to find something for him to eat... eat...yes... I needed to eat, and so we all decided to order pizza... which arrived with only cheese...which started up an argument about who eats pizza with just cheese...while the delivery person was asking to be paid and nobody had any money, even though I had not ordered it, I went looking for my purse for money, explaining how I had money from recently being at the bank for something for Mom (my mother died years ago, as has the cousin who owned the house I was staying in...) and suddenly I looked up and a big delivery truck was outside the house backing up... and I watched, waving, as the truck plowed right into a car behind them where a man and woman had to run to get out of the way to escape being hit... Then realizing he couldn't proceed, for of course, the wrecked car was in front of him, he started to turn and back up...directly into the front part of the house! And, then the driver got out...yes, that happens all the times when we deliver, sorry about that, no big deal...but I got to get going... (sound like any of the liars we are all hearing these days)...got a delivery to make you know...
And that's when Stevie jumped on my bed and I woke up again...
And that, my friends, is how a muddled mind, crammed with negative vibes, concerns, and issues that should never become so impossible to handle that you are unable to do anything but call them...a nightmare... from an emotionally damaged mind...
By the way, Stevie, a mother cat who has been my best buddy for years not, had been outside while I was getting back to walking after the surgery... One day earlier this week, Rachel, my caring niece, had taken me to the grocery store. As we were driving into the cabin, Rachel called out...Stevie is carrying a kitten back to th cabin (she had been somewhere near the other end of my driveway). Perhaps because it had been raining so much... Or perhaps because she realized that, soon, she would not have enough milk to feed her growing kittens...
Stopping there, for an aside story, Stevie, one night, climbed up on the screen on the window where I was watching television, and cried and cried... I knew there was dry food out so I didn't try to help...Apparently, she had her kittens that night. If I had known, I would have let her in...I normally have a box ready for her since she wants me around when she begins to birth...When she wasn't there the next morning when I was putting the food out, I realized and felt bad...I wasn't there for her when she needed me...
This morning, when she bound up on my bed, I just started playing and talking with her... Somehow she had carried the four kittens down that long driveway to the door... When she brought the first one back, Rachel had opened the door while I was still slowly getting out of the car. Stevie ran in and went to a corner and disappeared... Apparently she had scoped out a place when she had visited me during the past weeks...
As soon as she was let out to go for another kitten, Rachel tried to find the kitten, while I got a box ready with a small blanket. Rachel couldn't find the cat... So...the next time she came in, we planned to stop her--not a chance! She zoomed past and again disappeared! A Mystery! Neither of us could solve as Rachel looked under cupboards, behind furniture... She had previously closed off some of the places that cats could sneak behind, knowing that one or the other would sometimes fly by me when I opened the door...
While Stevie was outside again, because we didn't know how many she had, I was planning, thinking... Well, I had stored two suitcases in that corner. I used the suitcases to store my off-season clothes since I have moved into the cabin that had very little storage space. With the rain, and perhaps because of my health, I was feeling chilly often and, instead of turning on the heat, I decided to wash some sweat clothes that I wear in colder times, and ask Rachel to lift one of the cases onto the dining table... And started to remove clothes, shaking them out, to wash... And, there, nestled between my clothes were the kittens!
By that time, Stevie was back with a third kitten! She looked at Rachel standing there and me standing near the table...and she zoomed past...back into the corner... Thankfully, we had the box ready for her and she jumped in... I handed the two kittens to Rachel, to help Stevie begin to trust her too, and when the two kittens were in the box with the third one, she settled down and washed off the smell of those who had touched her babies! LOL
But soon, she was out of the box and standing at the door... One more was to be brought into the warm house...and she knew that anytime she was hungry, all she had to do was come running into my room, jumped on the bed...and she had trained me to get up and give her food...
Ahhhh, living with a cat with whom you are simpatico, is truly a wonderful life... just like...
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