Image by dbzer0 via FlickrI gaze in the mirror and my eyes look weary. I am very tired. I see the creases that time has etched in the skin of my face. I remember when it was once young and my skin was silky and smooth. There is no longer a bloom to my cheeks and sparkle to my eye. I take a deep breath and feel tired.
I really do understand what the doctors said. There are many things in life that I ponder, some that I regret, and many that grieve me, but I understood what they said. It is not that I am in denial or do not believe them. He was kind but honest when he told me I would die...
He had tears in his eyes. I believe him. I felt helpless and frustrated and a strong desire to hold on. I felt angry and afraid. I needed to hold on to life. I needed to hold on to those that I love. I needed to hold on to hope. I decided that even if the doctors were right, well, It was not going to be today. That would be my new motto. Not today. If the time came that I was wrong, it would make no difference because if the subject was the day I would die. Then the answer was...Not Today.
I lived desiring to help others and make a difference. I wanted to reach out. I believed that if you help even one person you made a difference. Time has passed so swiftly. In many ways I feel that life has passed me by. I want to live. I don't want to just be alive. I want to live!
I want to look for the beauty in the world around me. I can't stand the thought of leaving those that I love. I need to be here to help them and share the wonders life has in store, and comfort them in their times of need. I want so many things but I am becoming so tired. It is harder now to see the future as unending. I often feel so alone. In a crowd of people I am still alone.
Only I can tread the last path I have to tread, alone, except I will never really be alone. I have my faith and I believe with all my heart that God will lead me home when the time comes. Years ago, the thought of a home in Heaven with no pain or worries or suffering or confusion was such a comfort. It still is...but not for today.
I know it is coming and I still have so much more I need and want to do. I am so tired all of the time. I need to get going. I do not want to give up. I believe what the doctors said--but, it is not today.
Linda Nance...
NO, not today, Linda. So beautifully written and honest, and strong! What an amazing person you are to have even written this. I pray that the doctors are wrong and the days lead into years, and the color blooms back into your cheeks and the cool breeze and sunlight shine upon your face : )
ReplyDelete