I am incredibly glad that you reached out to me! I cannot wait to see this on your blog and link it to my website. It really means a lot that you are asking these questions and your words about my cover art and the use of morse code (as when we are abused, we use secret codes and hiding things to protect ourselves, especially when the abuse is at the hands of family members).
With that said, I drew my cover art while sitting on my front porch with a pencil on a blank piece of paper. It represents the innocent girl I once was, sitting on the steps of the arched stairway in Seattle right before fleeing the Fat Tuesday Mardigras riot. The MMI represents the year 2001, the morse code along the bottom reads Seattle, and in the cobblestone is a memorial plaque for a young man who gave his life helping a young woman up from the ground.
I have to admit that I've been amazed at the differences of those who are much younger than me. Reading this story reminded me as to just how times have changed. I think that is an important factor since each of us normally have at least a memory or living grandparents, as well as parents. Each generation appears to be quite different--and yet--very much the same... I hope this discussion will bring that out to be considered...
For me, living in a small town, the church was the only real center of gathering. We had two churches where I grew up. Both were protestant. We did have BYF, Baptist Youth Fellowship which was merely meeting by age groups and studying scripture or related learning materials. There was NO discussions or guidance on dating, teen relationships, or religious instructions regarding sex. I was baptized at 13 and have been active in one church or another for all my life, up until recently when health issues resulted in several surgeries and a need to stay at home. Of course, Covid led to much of that time period. Earlier, though, an incident at church resulted in my leaving... I have a wonderful relationship with God through His Holy Spirit, which is, perhaps, extraordinary at times...
I remember there was little about religion in your book, until the very end. So, could you share a little, please.
Religion was very much a part of my early life. I never had any instruction regarding sex as I attended private school. I don’t currently practice organized religion, but I very much believe in God.
Yes, Christianity. I received no religious training. In fact, religion did not play any part in my teen years. By that time, I had stopped participating in church. And, religion is not a part of my present life.
I am not currently married. I have loved and trusted, but sexual experiences do not have any influence on that current decision. It’s just a personal choice to be single at this season in my life.
I am married and have a young child.
Although there was no talk about the early experiences in the book, I do want to include some basic info. I know it is sometimes difficult to share about what happened when you had no ability to control what was happening. I have to believe that what I remember was true, but I'd be happy to have you provide any feedback if you wish.
I don't know when and how my first sexual abuse happened. What I remember is that, when a certain uncle died, it was as if my mind remembered something. In those days, a body was often "shown" at home prior to burial. I remember the house clearly. It was one where you could walk all the way around the floor, going from room to room, coming out where you started. That day, it was in a room which was rarely used for routine events. I remember that I walked around and around and around the circle of rooms, crying deeply and whispering to myself "I'm glad he's dead. I'm glad he's dead. I'm glad he's dead. And when I came into the room again where he was, I would cry even more, because I felt guilty for being glad he was dead... I would imagine that I was at least 8 or 9 when he died. I heard people saying that I must have really liked him, which made me feel even more guilty... I WAS GLAD HE WAS DEAD... Struggling with guilt did not change my mind about my feelings about his death!
Again I don't remember my age, but there were three other individuals who I remember touched me inappropriately, all in my family. I've shared a little with my two sisters in later years. Neither of their responses held my respect for their answers. All four individuals were also active church members. I never told anybody what had happened, really, until the time when the "Me-Too" movement began...
I agree with what you said about the “me too” movement, which makes it much easier to talk about these types of things that happen. I was six when I was first sexually abused by my uncle. I didn’t speak up for many years, until it happened again when I was in my early teens. Incest was normalized in my family, and my talking about it was quickly dismissed. I always knew it was wrong, but no one was ever shocked to hear about it until I told someone in a hospital. I think it very much influenced my life and my ability to trust others. It’s a very deep betrayal to be molested by a family member under the guise of love.
Did you learn how to drive and at what age? Were you allowed to drive? Did this affect how you interacted with your peers? As you look back, would you have done something different?
I don't remember dating was even discussed with me. We lived in a small town, so being the baby of the family, there was enough of an age difference with my sisters that there was nobody nearby to be my friend. My childhood "boyfriend" (we liked each other, LOL) was allowed to date much younger than I would be allowed, so it was not until the 7th grade when I started riding a bus to junior high that I even got to be friends with my peers. At school we hung around together. One of my friends was Black and there were few of her race in our age group... the other was involved so he and his friend joined us for lunches. Me, by that age, I was very overweight and although I had good friends of both sexes, dating never came into the picture during high school.
I first began to date at fifteen. There was never any discussion with my parents. I learned to drive when I was fifteen, and I had my permit by sixteen. I was allowed to take the car, and it very much affected my interaction with peers as none of them had driving privileges or access to a vehicle. While reflecting, I realize that I can’t change the past when I think about whether I would have done anything differently. There are certainly things that I wish had never happened in my life, though.
I started dating when I was 14. It was my decision and I informed my parents. They had rules where I could see them and how often. I was never happy with their decisions. I did learn to drive at 16 but was not allowed to drive. So, I was forced to sneak out to hang out with my friends. I felt I had no choice so I wouldn't have done anything differently.
I was going to say 23, but then I realized that it was earlier, probably around 20 when I had double-dated with my best friend who didn't want to go out with somebody she had just met. Both were businessmen. from out-of-town. We stayed out all night and met again for breakfast. John was the perfect man with whom to be involved. I admitted I was a virgin and he was very kind and said that our intimacy would not change that... I was happy to learn from somebody who put me first.
My first intimate sexual experience was with my first serious boyfriend, and we’d been together just shy of a year. I was fifteen, and this was the first time that sex was involved in dating for me. It was a consensual sexual experience. I am currently celibate and do not engage in sexual activity by choice. I am happy with that decision, as intimacy can be uncomfortable for me.
Dating which included sex began at 15. My sex life has been important to me.
I think whatever experience that I had when I was very young must have been painful. Somehow I was sheltered from rape or anything like that--that I know of. And I had made a decision after reading some erotic books (from England) where, supposedly, young girls were sent to places to be "trained" for their future with men... I made a firm decision that I would never be willingly involved with pain as part of making love. It was, I believe, God watching over me, even then...
Pain has been a part of several of my experiences with sexual activity. I have been raped by individuals I thought I loved and trusted. I picked up the pieces and moved on with my life afterwards, feeling that I had no other choice. I decided not to let it take hold of my emotions or life. I didn’t speak of it for many years, but I decided that sharing my story might help someone else who had been through something similar. I wrote my book in hopes that others may be able to relate, as I wish that I had that for myself when I was in the trenches of suffering from abuse. Like you, I think that pain shouldn’t ever be a part of the sexual experience, and as an adult, I now realize that what I went through was not normal and was actually horrific.
I have to ask a follow up on this question. I got very emotional about your continuing a relationship which included physical abuse. You definitely were raped, but what I couldn't understand since it was going on for so long, how would your parents "not" know? Especially when the two boys had taken you away from your porch, what followed, and then for your having no support from your mother... Please, if you can, share a little about your mother in particular. Did she use the texting as you included? Why? Was there no rules ever set for time, how the car was used...and, if there was, was part of the problem that you didn't agree with them, so thought you'd ignore them?
You ask a valid question as to why the abuse in my early relationships was allowed to continue. Throughout my lifetime, I have often asked myself that same question and have been unable to come up with an answer that makes any real sense. There were certainly a lot of concerned individuals whose names are redacted from my records with child protective services. I believe that my parents didn’t recognize the signs of abuse, and I hid them well, such as covering bruises with concealer and making up excuses. It was role reversal in a way with my mother, in that I would try to shelter her from knowing the truth in the beginning. As to why she initially blamed Cole for my EtOH overdose and now Howie and Drew, who were very clearly the ones involved, I think it comes down to shock. If I had been my own mother, I certainly would have been in shock to be woken to see myself in that state. I have at times wondered how differently things may have turned out if she had owned that mistake, those boys had been held accountable, and justice had been served in relation to that incident. At the end of my book, in the unsent letter I wrote to Howie, I reference judgment day. I believe that at the end of our lives, we will have to answer to God about the decisions we chose to make or didn't make. Writing my story down from start to finish was my own way of finding peace and justice for myself in hopes of setting it down. It also produced a tangible account that I was able to share with others. When I was going through my youth, I wished more than anything that there could be one other person to personally understand what I was going through. Abuse thrives in isolation, so being able to share my story with others has been healing and also helpful. The e-mails and letters in the book are in SIC format. I believe in her mind that she honestly believed that I was best off going to A.A. meetings and attending treatment groups. She gave me the car keys to attend these, which was ultimately where I met others who had serious drug problems, were in legal trouble, and hadn’t just dabbled socially with pot use. In later discussions, I would learn that she didn’t want me to turn out as she had. Her rule for using the car was that I was home before the bars closed and drunk drivers were out on the road, which I didn't understand the meaning behind until later in my life. I believe that when we know better, we do better.
Have you ever had an abortion? What do you think about abortion in the context of your personal health... What kind of contraceptives do you use if any
I have strong feelings about abortion. I believe it is a personal issue that should never have any legal ramifications. It is a part of women's health that can often be used to save the involved woman's life. I do not believe that abortion is a religious issue! I further believe that a mother's life is more important than ever mandating a birth. Too many women already die in childbirth because of medical issues. The law should not be part of it!
In response to the abortion question, I have never had an abortion procedure. I took birth control when I was younger, as my mother didn't want me to be a teen mother as she had been. I have also taken the Plan B morning after pill one time after having been raped, and I was thankful for the local Planned Parenthood clinic. Personally, I could never have an abortion. Having children is not something that I will be able to do, so contraceptive use is not relevant for me. On that note, I will say that I believe abortion should be the choice of a woman and that "her body, her choice" is applicable. I also believe that past a certain stage of development, a fetus has developed enough that terminating its life is a complicated decision, and it’s a fine line. In my opinion, certain cases, such as rape and incest, should be treated differently. No woman should be forced to carry her rapist's baby to term unless she chooses to do so. I understand that it is a controversial topic, but those are my thoughts on the subject.
I am one of the many women who have had a miscarriage and who also had a difficult birth. It was my body that was involved in those issues. Nobody should be included in those decisions except as the woman wishes. It is not a legal issue! It is a medical issue. No different from any other medical issues where the law are not involved! In my opinion, it is also not a religious issue...
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