"Lying on the ghastly green carpet in the basement, after I got home from Gamerz Garage one day, I was going though a baby-blue gift bag that contained all of the letters from the funeral and my Mom's suicide letters. From the old eighties stereo and speaker system, Harry Nilsson's album "Nilsson Schmilsson" played from the speakers...I could see her face as she hugged me goodnight before she left to die. It was dark in my room. As her image left me, the light coming from the living room left her only as a silhouette in my mind. My Mom smiled and often pretended she was happy, but I could still see her sadness laking through...I let her leave. I could have stopped her if only I knew...
"Curled up in the fetal position holding my Mom's suicide letters, I screamed and cried along with Mr. Nilsson. His words were probably written about a lost lover, but to me they described the last night I saw my Mom alive. Screaming along in that moment, I simply wanted to die. I just wanted to die...My dad heard my screaming and came down to see what was wrong. Finding me on the floor, he grabbed me and held me close..."
By Dan Andrews
This non-fiction book written in memoir style is and can be, in my opinion, a wonderful self-help book for teens and adults alike. This young man has learned much during his life, albeit due to a tragedy that he should never have been forced to bear. Although there are issues that readers may not totally agree with, there is an earnest effort to share how he made it through...his mother's suicide...
There are many single-parent families in America. Some made that way through tragedy, others through divorce. It is practically impossible to predict how children in those families will react and adjust. While our hearts go out to the author, I want to note that, having never known my father, I found much to consider myself and I believe many other readers will find this true. Do not let the title and situation prevent you from considering this revealing and poignant personal story. I believe you will find something that will speak to you...
One of the issues that bothered Dan was that his mother had been on anti-depressant and other types of medication. Apparently she had worried somewhat about them since Dan found a letter from a drug company referring her to her psychiatrist...the one who had been diagnosing her medications! Needless to say, Dan believes this led to her suicide...
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| "Tears fell with the casket into the earth. In the corner of my eye they pooled, threshold reached, down my cheek they fell, one after the other. The casket descended deeper, past the roots, past the earth escorted by insects, covered in beautiful, living, roses of different colors. Each saline drop carried with it my sanity, as I was drawn into hysteria. I wasn't only weeping for her. It was everyone, My Mom, my brother, my dad, everyone that I loved. That day, I attended two funerals. One was Mom's, and the other was mine. The old Dan Andrews was buried with her. I do not regard myself as the same person I was when my Mom was alive. In my mind, they have become two different lives I have led..." "The old Dan Andrews died on June 11th, 2003..." |
Often, though, he was caught fighting--defending his mother's memory. And we realize once again how cruel so many are, even as children... Fortunately he found a place, a local garage, where he could find older men to talk with, to have fun in a safe environment...
And he also received true friendship and unconditional love from Enzo!Later, he got into music,
especially heavy metal, finding many of the words, which were so hard to understand for many, speaking to him...
Physical activities also helped with his stress, and he loved getting into weights, bench-pressing and gymnastics...
I appreciated how the author wove his personal goals and reactions into his life story, for I know that many will feel a connection via his sharing as well...
And how depressing thoughts of being totally alone...of losing everybody he loved...came to him often...
One of the stories that hit me was about Dan's story of getting tattoos. He had gotten the idea from an Indian folktale:
"The chief said, "Every one of us has two wolves in our lives.
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| http://basicgoodness.com/2011/the-black-wolf-and-the-white-wolf/ |
"The wolf that lives on our right shoulder is the white wolf. This is the one that is always telling us to work tirelessly toward what our heart most desires..." I've know this savage pull, haven't you? Dan's choice made perfect sense to me...
As did the other one that looks something like the cover of his book...I think you'll understand as well as you read...
One of the things that personally bothered me was Dan's reaction: "The first funeral I ever went to in my life was hers. I couldn't help but think that both God and my Mom had abandoned me... I know, however, that this young man will eventually find his own answer to his thoughts:
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