A Single Christian Woman - Open Memoir - Introduction

 

“To be, or not to be, that is the question”

BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

(from Hamlet, spoken by Hamlet)

To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause—there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all,

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry

And lose the name of action.

~~~

To Write Or Not To Write: That Is The Question? 

I've never been a fan of Shakespeare, but that first line sprang to mind as I consider and reconsider whether to write this book... Given the recent memoir by Prince Harry, as well as a woman in a famous family telling a commentator that she somewhat regrets writing her memoir, I've wavered. It is not my intent to hurt anybody, yet I recognize that I am not alone in relation to my life in a Christian community. In a Christian Church. In a Christian family...

In my early years after high school graduation, I began a reading binge on a specific genre: Self-Help. The books written for those who want to know something about...something and often turn to books written by those who are sharing their own story--their own abilities, perhaps, or their own experience in going through something in life that has now affected them. Many were religious in nature, but, as many were related to working in a business world.

Initially, I was busy reading Dale Carnegie. In particular, I've always been interested and working to improve my communication--my interpersonal communications--in various settings. You see, basically, I'm an introvert. I do not enjoy crowds, parties, or settings where I would be meeting many people with whom I would be expected to interface.

Once I started my first job in Personnel, and gained a bit of self-esteem as I sneaked a look at my own test scores--yes, I did... But, then, I was also in charge of all personnel records and mine was just one that was created for all employees working at West Virginia University. I had been entrusted with confidential records that were not accessible to anybody outside of the office! That included, the infamous, NWVU highly classified material.

Still, I knew, inside, that while I might be professionally articulate and able to handle more and more responsibility, I was still the insecure girl who withdrew even from family gatherings at a point when I...just...needed...to...get...away...

I was never able to gain that skill that is commonly known as "small talk..." If I had no basis of relationship with any single individual, I found it hard to begin or participate in kitchen table talk, even with family... Several memories pop up in my mind to illustrate what I mean.

A family gathering--We were all sitting around the table after a meal as the women started talking about cooking, baking, or making things. You know--things that housewives seemed to be very involved with. One discussion started about what one individual used as a sink stopper in the kitchen. Yes, you read right. Grown women were discussing which stopper they used and which was the best. When they turned and asked me, I mumbled something that I was using at the time. Yes, I had tried several types... But, seriously, I had no--absolutely no interest--in our comparing and discussing the qualities of sink stoppers! Boooring!

Another time, as a cat fanatic, I wanted to place cat pictures in a collage between my sink top and cupboards and asked my sister for guidance. She immediately said that I could probably find some wallpaper with cats and she would teach me how to paper... My response was, "You don't understand, I don't want to learn that, I'd just like to use these pictures from calendars, etc., Those family members who have those skills and loved me have learned over the years that I'm pretty happy to just have a nice-looking home, but that I had no real interest in ever becoming a homemaker... And if they seemed to enjoy it, I was quite happy from time to time to received the bounty of their expertise!

But I'd much rather be reading I'm OK; You're Ok or other books that could help me prepare for advancement or movement into another field of business. 

And I've never felt a need to have somebody with me "to provide company."

As I think about it, I'm wondering if I was always that way, or whether I became introverted because of what I have experienced most of my life...

And, which has led me to being an individual, now in the later years of life, who has a problem trusting...

When in 2016, I was talking with a family member about the election, she asked who I was voting for... I had registered as an Independent because I didn't want to be tied to a political party... Of course, abortion was one of the issues. Each immediately assumed that I would be against abortion. I remember when my niece, (My adopted daughter) spoke firmly and I started to cry. She immediately stopped and asked what was wrong. I struggled through my belief that abortion was not the issue--it was the very real presence of child abuse in this country and that I felt there were many homes into which children should not be... and I added that I'd felt that way all of my life... 

God did not plan on having incest,  physical and sexual abuse, pedophilia, human trafficking, and many more issues related to children in this world... I couldn't believe that God would force children to be in places where they would be hungry, unable to be sheltered and clothed, and...worse...

Incest is real. It may be minor, inappropriate touching; or it may be, ultimately, rape and ongoing sex with an adult(s)... that a child, mostly girls, but also boys, will be forced to...endure. We do not totally understand what is happening. But it affects us. 

Incest may also lead to not having conscious guidance when pressured for sex by schoolmates, adult peers, supervisors, or strangers... merely by the child already having had sexual experience of some type. After all, sex seemed to be a part of life--it wasn't all that...

I truly believe that, because I became a Christian at age 13, and became aware that I had a friend, Jesus, with whom I could share anything and everything, I was sheltered from rape and possible pregnancy. But, any type of sexual touching, sometimes, with a family member, can skew a child's awareness and knowledge to the point where she, or he, has become acquainted with an action(s) that seems to be something that is different--maybe even wrong. But the love that a child has for family is real. It is ultimate in feelings of comfort, joy, and security--and trust. 

And when Trust is broken, even within love, a child loses a part of her which has been withdrawn internally. She becomes an introvert. Or, potentially, she becomes sexually active and promiscuous...

Shall I continue? To write or not to write--that is the question. Is there a need for sharing my story? 

From today's headlines, it seems so...