Watching and learning about what happened to E. Jean Carroll (and others) and her statement about her being of the Silent Generation has successfully brought back so many memories of my childhood... those I had earlier decided to write about, then changed my mind... Yet, as one more individual, after another, is in the news, I find that flashback after flashback erupts.
Jean and I are about the same age. I was born into a one-parent family when my father was killed in a mine accident while my mother was carrying me. My mother worked around the clock to provide sufficient money to take care of her four children. Through the family grapevine I learned that she had never considered another husband. She had lived with a stepfather herself...
There was no discussion about sex. Or bodily functions for females. When my time came to start menstruation, I was handed a book by one of my sisters. None of the girls were allowed to date during early and mid teen years. An uncle who was a baptist minister brought pamphlets to our home, sharing about nuns getting pregnant by priests. We were told not to date catholics... My brother was given a full scholarship to a masonic school for boys and was away from home during his senior school years.
But just being in grade school and on, we all began meeting other small boys and girls and made friends. I had a neighbor/school boyfriend from grade school up to senior high when those boys were allowed to begin dating. I wasn't. I never dated during my school years, for several reasons...
Touching by family members, I think for me, was even worse than rape by a stranger. Why? it created a confusion in my mind that was difficult to deal with. When I first understood what the word rape meant, I decided that I would not struggle, but just let it happen and get it over with. I wonder if I really would have done that in a real-life situation.
Attending Sunday School and Church was a constant for our family. I was baptized at age 13 and have been committed to Jesus as my Savior since then...
When touching by family members and/or those who attend the same church, at first it may not be perceived as something that is wrong. Rather, at least in my life, touching, touching in sexual locations, is not necessarily seen as abuse. In fact, if you have been close to a loving relative, sexual touching becomes merged within a loving relationship. It is not immediately then seen as wrong...
Which is exactly the problem, isn't it?
When I first started working at age 18, I became friends with the other clerical employee in the Office. She lived close by and we started walking to have lunch at her apartment. On her own initiative, she scheduled at appointment for me to see a local campus doctor and begin to diet. It was a success.
Soon, my friend left to join her husband in a different state. I was prepared for and moved into her job as department secretary. I never developed a close relationship with the new employees, as I had a different relationship as their supervisor.
At that time, having never had a close relationship within my family, which might have included discussing dating, "boys" and more... I began a new career. Without anybody with whom I could discuss personal matters as you would with a girlfriend. I did keep in touch by email with the woman who had helped me lose weight, but it didn't help...
All of a sudden I was attractive to my peers on campus. Like Jean Carroll, I was open, friendly, and, apparently attractive... I flirted for the first time in my life and got responses. I dated a few--one had connections to my family; the other had just broken off with a long-time girlfriend... In any event I began to experience the dating life.
Except quite a number of them who sought my company... were married...
My good friend gave me this pearl of wisdom. "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk free." Yeah, that really was the sage advice given to me by my married female friend... The only thing is that my only physical touching connections had been with...relatives...
I was still young, wondering if I had already given my milk away...through incest...
Now I was faced with many who apparently was interested in that milk! At one point in my early career, there were 13 married men calling or stopping by the office to seek my attention... I found I enjoyed the attention of men...
With so much confusion, I began to wonder... "Is Sex All That?"
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