Beautiful Mess by John Herrick - Honoring Marilyn Monroe - Out August 1st!

 August 5th is the anniversary of Marilyn's passing... John Herrick published his book, Beautiful Mess, to honor her memory...

"It was sunny, much like today," Del murmured. "Warmer that day, though."

"What day?"

"August 5," he replied. "Back in 1962. That was the day they found her in her home. Unconscious."

As he allowed himself to relax, the commotion of Nora's circumstances settled in, and the residual stress caused his vision to blur. He closed his eyes, and visions of the past flickered on the screen of his mind like a classic film, the film he had seen too many times to number.

"I heard about it on the news, like everyone else." Del clasped his hands in his lap and hunched forward. "It was a Sunday morning. I'd attended a party until the wee hours in the morning but, miracles of miracles, I'd avoided drinking too much, and didn't have a hangover like I often did...He closed his eyes again. The pain felt as fresh as it had in 1962, as though someone had stabbed him in the soul.

~~~

London, 1956

PACK YOUR SUITCASE, they had told him. You'll depart for Britain in the morning. He'd received fifteen hours' notice.

"And don't f*** it up," the studio staffer had threatened the young man, spewing cigarette smoke in his face.

Eighteen-year-old Del Corwyn had gotten himself hired as an errand boy at Warner Bros., where he had fetched coffee and water, delivered telegrams, endured verbal abuse, and completed whatever other menial tasks arose along the way. Del had gotten the job just a few months ago. He'd shown up and they had hired him. Simple as that. He was young and hungry.

And now, as luck would have it, they had shipped him to London.

The studio folks had assigned him to the set of The Prince and the Showgirl. 

They had instructed Del to serve Marilyn Monroe's every whim for the duration of the production. He should consider this an around-the-clock gig, they'd told him. Marilyn calls at midnight? Put your pants on and deliver her a toothbrush.

The current scene took place in what was supposed to be the embassy of Carpathia, a fictional Balkan country. Marilyn Monroe portrayed Elsie, a showgirl who had captured the delight of the Prince Regent.

Marilyn--Elsie--lifted a glass of champagne and toasted President Taft.

"Cut!" yelled a man with a baritone, English accent. Laurence Olivier, the film's director. "Take five!"

At that, Marilyn wiggled as if to shed the showgirl aura from her body. She strode pass the camera to a folding chair, the one with her name affixed to it in block letters, and settled into it. A sheen of perspiration had broken through her powdered brow. The hair stylists had given her platinum-blond hair, a classic, sexy appeal. Her snug light-colored dress accentuated her ample bosom and in Del's opinion, her ample rear end.

"I'm parched from those hot lights," she said to Del as she picked up a script and fanned herself. "Please bring me a glass of ice water, young man. A tall one."

Without a word, Del fetched a glass from a table of refreshments. The handsome teenager returned to find the actress eyeing him with curiosity. With a word of thanks, she took a few sips with her perfect, red lips and sighed with relief. The ice cubes tinkled against the surface of the glass. Del could smell the actress's perspiration beneath her perfume.

Setting the glass aside she furrowed her brow, pursing her lips as she sized him up.

"How old are you, young man?"

"Eighteen, ma'am."

"Eighteen! Why, you're but a child!" she replies with a voice that bubbled. Closing her eyes, she went limp, as though she had escaped into her own private wonderland. "Oh, to be so young." Her eyes shot open. "Not that I'm an old maid. Thirty isn't exactly ancient!"

"Of course not," Del ventured, measuring his words, cautious not to overstep his bounds and incur wrath from an actress who could get him fired if he inched out of line. Still new to his job, he'd made it his policy to keep his ears open and his mouth shut as much as possible...

~~~

Meeting Marilyn Monroe would have been an exciting opportunity for any individual just starting out, trying to make it... But for Del Corwyn he met not only an icon of Hollywood, he met a woman who would remain his friend throughout their lives...and beyond...

Herrick's book feels like an autobiographical story of the young man, Del...Right from the beginning, when he was 18, starting out, we find him a personal, friendly guy, almost still a boy, who took the chance and left home to fulfill his dream...

Immediately my mind shifted to the end of the book...For there I saw the man that he had become through all those years and, in seeing, how it ended, I am once again simply amazed at the depth of issues and wisdom that this author pours out for his readers again and again...

Del went on to become an actor, a film leading man. Actually, Del's story begins 60 years later from that time when Marilyn had encouraged him by calling him her "shining star." How had the time gone by so fast? How had he reached this point in life, at 78, when he was alone...and lonely...

He had done like most other leading men--enjoyed sharing his bed with young starlets with big dreams... Still, he was now 78, but he didn't accept that as an age where he should not still be doing what he loved. He walked through his large home, looking over his library of books he had loved and devoured--of course, he always would play the leading role in suspense, thriller, or romance...he had done it...



Even my favorite of those early days, Kim Novak had sipped a smooth, Bordeaux merlot as a Miles Davis record played on the phonograph... And, of course, Marilyn Monroe had visited on many occasions, though a romantic encounter had never occurred between them...there...




Readers will find that, Del at 78, takes us back through the years as time passes in Hollywood, especially during the golden era...





And by the way, my pick for playing Del?

Say something!
Anything!
"I'd love to see you
again, Felicia."
Del felt like a
teenager as he looked
at her handwriting...

Still classy as he aged...Dana Andrews!

She stopped. Gazed
into his eyes. Time
slowed. She responded
with a delightful smile
"That sounds nice."

And, then, at 78, he met a beautiful 68-year-old lady...
and for the first time in his life, Del fell in love... but that was after his brief affair with a much younger woman, who spoke almost a different language due to the age difference, so they decided to remain friends...LOL

This is a remarkable story that combines a look backward at the life of Marilyn Monroe and her effect on the general public but it shows a different type of story that could very well have been true for some young man that was there, during her life, to become a true and trusted friend...for both of them... As Marilyn demonstrated when she placed her only manuscript in the hands of her dear friend. it's a unique story, and heartwarming in the reality of friendship. A Beautiful Mess hits you with a moral question, "What would you do if...?" and makes you stop to think what is really important to living your own life. Highly recommended!


GABixlerReviews

Talking With John Herrick About His Latest Novel, Between These Walls...

Please feel free to add your thoughts and comments to this discussion. Responses will be added later!

Note that the music included are samples of the songs that helped inspired John as he wrote





Between These Walls

John, Welcome to Book Readers Heaven! I believe your book has fulfilled what I've been looking for...covering two important issues with which I've been interested and intrigued for all of my adult life. Christianity and Sexuality. Not only have you written that book, but you've done it with such sensitivity, depth, and power, that I've already declared it a must-read in my review!

I think I know, but for the benefit of our readers, why did you decide to tackle two such controversial topics in one book and did you have any specific reason to do so?

Thank you for your words. I just hope when people read my novels, they find honest friends in the protagonists.

To answer your first question, my best story concepts arise when a character emerges in my soul. With Between These Walls, a Christian middle-school student character arose within me, and I imagined his struggle, not only with the truth of how he felt inside, but how he felt he couldn't talk about it. When a character grabs my heart that way, he doesn't let go until I tell his story.

To reach a wider audience, I opted against a YA novel, instead choosing to place Hunter Carlisle, my protagonist, in his 20s. The original YA concept appears when Hunter reflects on his coming-of-age years. I posted the whole story-behind-the-story at my website here: www.johnherrick.net/betweenthesewalls/authornote.htm

Although you don't really have what might be called a conclusion to the primary issue of homosexuality, I'm going to assume you've spent some time in reading and researching the Christian viewpoint. Would it be possible for you to merge the various opinions, sort of like the positive and negative sides of those opinions?

I researched enough to construct the novel, but can’t pretend to be an expert. That said, within the Christian arena, you’ll find the same range of nature vs. nurture opinions as in the mainstream arena. My goal in writing Between These Walls was to set those opinions aside and focus on how we see Jesus operate in the Bible: He walked with love and mercy. My goal was to challenge us all to consider the nuances in how we treat people, and how our words and actions can have unspoken consequences.

You’re right, the book doesn't offer a conclusion to the issue, which was by design. Life is a process, a journey. In the end, Hunter doesn't have all the answers to his questions, but he lives his life the best he can, and I tried to leave room for the reader to interpret how the story ends. By the end of the story, we see an anonymous human character who symbolizes Hunter’s relationship with God. Ultimately, Between These Walls is a story not about an issue, but about one man’s journey. It offers a glimpse into subtle changes that occur in Hunter’s heart as it churns through moments of private honesty.

Now, I'll be upfront with you on my own opinion held for many years. Homosexuality is not a choice and therefore when an individual begins to recognize his or her own situation, then there should be an automatic source of support and guidance to help that individual choose what is best for their future. Hopefully, that place would be the church if they want spiritual guidance. My opinion of the church, however, is that it has failed--badly--in the entire spectrum of sexuality in today's world... Whew! 'Nuf said. Now it's your turn, LOL

The Bible refers to the church as a family. It refers to us as brothers and sisters,

treating each other as members of the same family. Churches should be a place of refuge, just as families provide refuge. Unfortunately, finding refuge in some churches can be difficult, or perhaps it exists but isn't “advertised,” so people live without knowing it’s available. I believe many churches don’t know how to address the topic, so they leave it unspoken. That doesn't rock the boat—but it also leaves struggling souls feeling alone. That’s not intended as a criticism on my part, because I have my own slew of faults. I just want to offer a perspective some might not have considered.

Well, John, my thoughts are the same except mine are more critical of the church. Nobody can not see the changes sexual issues has brought to today's world. If the church is to be responsive, then it too must talk to the woman, or man, at the well, just as Jesus did... But I realize that I've had many more years to have seen the differences in church and all elements of society... 

 John, I want to again commend you on the characters you've created. Although the two main characters are, of course, Hunter Carlisle and Gabe Hellman, I thought that the two pastors were a realistic presentation of the what I referred to above as the positive and negative sides, the latter quite well! I was a little disappointed, however, with Hunter's pastor, from this standpoint. Everywhere we look--in the media, television, motion pictures, printed materials--sex surrounds us. Personally, I believe the church must take an active role, not as passive counseling/listening, in helping Christians with their sexuality issues. Otherwise, we are, truly, as your title states, Between These Walls, and I define that as being alone. Am I expecting too much that Hunter's pastor should have offered to spend time with him, should have offered a basis that could lead to guidance and decision-making choices?

No, you’re not expecting too much. I tried to imply that to the reader when Hunter visits his pastor on multiple occasions. Perhaps if I introduced more specific dialogue, I would have felt obligated to delve into more chapters of pastoral discussion. My primary goal was to focus on Hunter’s heart and inner journey, and the impact other individuals make upon his heart. Because the book is a mainstream novel, I introduced his church life as one aspect of his journey, but felt an overemphasis might have drawn readers away from the crux of Hunter’s story. On a similar note, a tragic event occurs toward the end of the novel (avoiding a spoiler here!). Originally, I had planned to delve much deeper into the aftermath of that event, but realized it would have pulled the novel’s focus away from Hunter’s journey and refocused it there. So it all boiled down to keeping a balance with events and allowing Hunter to maintain ownership of his story.

Ahhh, understood. And I understand that my own concerns about the church is not the primary theme of your book... This helps me and others clarify the basic theme of your story nicely.

When Hunter is dating Kara, they have mutually decided on a no-sex before marriage relationship. Two parts to this question...

   Was Hunter really using that excuse because he had no interest in having sex with Kara?

Deep down, he had no interest in having sex with Kara. However, Hunter wasn't at a point in his life’s journey where he could admit that to himself. And he does believe in saving himself for his one and only, though he doesn't have a perfect track record there, either. Like all of us, Hunter tries to make sense of where he is.

 The other part is more general. As I mentioned above, the world uses sex in practically every communication media these days and is becoming even more blatant daily, in my opinion. Can Christians really be asked to willingly follow this direction? And, if so, how do we deal with the "secrets" that are created when those individuals

begin to have sex anyway? Can we really expect young people to listen from someone preaching from a pulpit and continually saying "don't" without some other type of answer to what their peers are saying and doing?

Ultimately, the Christian life is based on an individual relationship: the

relationship between the individual and Christ. It’s a living, breathing relationship. The church has its role, but if a Christian found himself stranded as a castaway on an island, a church congregation wouldn't exist in his vicinity, yet his relationship with Christ would still exist. Each Christian is at a different point in his/her journey with Christ, and he/she makes decisions across a variety of subjects. The rub comes when Christians—regular people—come together, who are at different points in their journeys, and try to dictate how another individual should live out his/her relationship. The truth is, we don’t know where anyone else is along their journey. And that’s what I wanted to illustrate with Hunter: Some would look at him as an evil person because he’s attracted to other men. Yet Hunter has a fervent, heartfelt love for God—but his acquaintances can’t see his intimate moments with God. (Readers are invited into those moments.) Just because Hunter’s acquaintances don’t see those moments doesn't mean the moments and love don’t occur. We only know the small aspects we happen to see.

Excellent responsive answer...Even if we still have no definitive answer. That, to me, is exactly why we cannot ever make judgments against somebody else...

Let me expand the coverage of your book by spotlighting that I found that your book has value well beyond the homosexual issue explored. The way it is written, it is quite easy for any individual to substitute their own sexuality issues, male or female, straight or gay. Ellen was a good example of showing that problems are encountered and fear builds up in just about any type of intimate relationship. Which all leads to my question. How, if, and why should the church be involved in helping sort out sexuality issues for individuals in an intimate relationship? Or should the church be involved at all?

Again, the Christian walk boils down to the relationship between Christ and the individual. I believe the church is relevant and should be accessible for the full span of issues in life. The question I tried to pose was this: Do individuals know the church is accessible for “their” issue, whatever that issue might be? The church is an institution, but more than that, it is a body of individuals. Can we go to those individuals and find love and mercy? Will we find people who will keep our confidence? In other words, have Christians—and the other people in our lives, as well—matured to that point? 

In your book, you provide resource material, including a study guide. I mentioned I wanted to throw some of these questions back to you to answer yourself in order to give readers a chance to learn more about what is covered...Here's the first one: 

Hunter has kept his sexual attractions a secret for 14 years. Was there a time in your life when you found it easier to build walls around yourself than to face the truth?

Definitely! I’m an introvert who internalizes almost everything! In that way, my protagonists and I are alike. Like Hunter (and everybody else), I’m on a

journey. In some areas of my life, I’m in that walled stage. In other areas, I’ve opened up. Two years ago, I released a nonfiction book, 8 Reasons Your Life Matters, where I open up about some of those walled areas. For those who read e-books, you can download it for free at most retail sites. (That’s not a plug! It’s just an attempt to offer more transparency than a quick answer here.)

I'm glad you mentioned that. I downloaded it months ago, but haven't read it yet, but understand it's been a hit across the world...so now look forward to reading it even more!

Hunter has solid faith, yet he harbored a secret. Do you consider his actions hypocritical?

Not at all. Hunter holds a genuine heart for God. His motive isn't to deceive. In fact, he craves the opportunity to open up but doesn't know who he can trust with his deepest secret, someone who will still love and accept him where he is, regardless of how that looks. If he knew who that person was, he would open up in a heartbeat. And the fact that he questions whether his actions are hypocritical shows his sincerity. We’re not hypocrites for being in a growth pattern. I’d view hypocrisy as pointing fingers at others while denying we have our own issues. (Did I mention I have my own issues?! Just being real here!)

Well, I'll definitely admit I've had issues all my life--not the same ones, but, still, places where I've felt lost...

Did you find any aspects of this novel a particular challenge?

If Hunter feels vulnerable in a chapter, or if the reader feels vulnerable reading a chapter, then it's safe to say I felt vulnerable writing that chapter.  Several chapters invade Hunter's privacy, where Hunter is alone or we explore his sensitive thoughts to which we wouldn't otherwise have access. Those chapters proved challenging for me due to the vulnerability of allowing readers into the most sensitive realms of the male psyche. Hunter would never talk about what went through his mind in those chapters, but I needed to delve into them to tell his story.

Why did you incorporate a faith element into Between These Walls?

When I began writing novels, I had no interest in writing faith-related fiction. I felt it meant a load of rules and red tape for what I couldn't write or explore. But a difference exists between the Christian fiction genre and weaving faith into a mainstream novel, as John Grisham demonstrated in The Testament. When I constructed From the Dead, a prior novel, I had intended to write a mainstream novel with no faith element whatsoever. Its main character, Jesse Barlow—who reemerges in Between These Walls—was a preacher's son filled with regret. As I considered that novel's chain of events and who Jesse was, I realized I couldn't give an accurate depiction of him without delving into his faith background. Once I discovered I could weave a faith element into a mainstream novel in a realistic manner, I fell in love with it. I wanted to accomplish it again: to chronicle a character's struggle in a way readers wouldn't find among the Christian fiction genre. And as a mainstream novel, I don’t need to censor my characters. They are free to behave and speak the way they truly would, as if we overheard them in a restaurant. The one requirement I place upon myself is that my novels are genuine and plausible—which can’t happen if I whitewash the characters or their language.

As I've already mentioned, the merge of these two issues was the main reason I've named your novel as, for me, something new: Best Novel Read in Last 5 Years (or more). For me, your willingness to be open as you've said, gave me new insight on the homosexual male. I've been honored to work with three books in the past on homosexual males, all who were writing about HIV, and did not really get far into the personal internal life. Also, homosexual characters in other books I've read were merely characters within the book and readers were not given the opportunity to really meet them. Your book does just that!

Hunter's internal life, and to some extent, Gabe's, provided readers with all the feelings of fear, humiliation and anxiety of the homosexual, but also gave us immediate feedback on how we, as Christians, are sometimes totally insensitive in normal conversation: snide remarks that can jab a knife into somebody else's heart! I was especially happy to have you include the remarks made in the Bible study group. To me, it is quite different to have a certain belief based upon your religion, than to take a step further and ridicule or laugh at an issue that could actually be faced by a member of that group discussion...

John, could you tell us more about your self-defined role as a "Broken Christian"?

That’s my best catch-all attempt at honesty. Like everyone else, I've made my mistakes in life and had my regrets, and although I’m a Christian, I don’t feel I’m the best representative of Christ out there. From another angle, I've heard it said that writers are wounded people, which I consider true. Writing is great therapy. It’s difficult to dig into the depths of human despair (and joy) without having experienced the deepest degrees of those emotional realms. I dealt with a lot of years of depression growing up—the 24/7, six-weeks-at-a-time kind. And because, from a young age through adulthood, my interests and internal wiring never seemed to match up with those of the people around me, I've never felt like I fit in with anyone else, including in the church environment, like something’s amiss inside or I never learned something that everyone else did. More than anything, I think that’s the part that makes me feel broken. But that broken feeling comes coupled with a blessing: a unique perspective on life, which becomes a unique voice as a writer and provides a unique degree of emotional “street credibility.” I wouldn't trade it for anything.

While I earlier thought and said this phrase also fit my life, now I know it...

And tell us more about your songwriting? Any songs you can share with us??!!! 

In my novel The Landing, protagonist is a singer-songwriter. As bonus content on my website, I posted a handful of my song lyrics under the guise of his song journal. You can find them here:  www.johnherrick.net/thelanding/songjournal.htm

I was hoping you might have recorded them, but I wanted to share this one since it obviously has relevance to Hunter's thoughts, don't you think?

I WANTED TO BE USED

I felt alone
I felt I had no one
You and I
Were burned by the sun
It took some time
It took some confusion
It took two hearts
Singed by delusion

CHORUS:
And there I stood with open arms
Subject to emotional harm
I wanted to be used
I wanted to be used by you
I never thought twice to play the fool
I saw you as a jewel
Ready and willing to be used
I wanted you to use me
I wanted to be used by you

You opened up
I thought you let me in
Naive was I
From where I'd been
I misunderstood
I missed my call
Each time you asked me to jump
I took the fall
CHORUS

Copyright 2012 John Herrick

I haven’t written a song in over 10 years, but it was my hobby throughout my teens and early 20s. At the time, I hadn't found a way to complete a novel or other long-term creative projects, so songwriting provided bite-size projects. I never pursued it as a profession, but it laid a foundation for my voice as a novelist: dialogue, emotion, word choices. Songs are short stories, snapshots that freeze a moment in time.

In high school, I wrote a song called “Between These Walls.” I wasn't thrilled with the song, so it went in the file cabinet, but the title burned in me for the next 20 years. As I searched for titles for Hunter’s story, something to capture his emotional state, “Between These Walls” proved a perfect match.

Hunter obviously has a personal relationship with God. And we are given assurances we are never alone. Still Hunter, and most of us, still crave the touch--a hug, holding someone's hand... At a church I once attended, I was caught in a emotional situation, started crying and went outside. The pastor followed and chose  to hug me even though he added "we're not supposed to do this" and kept looking around... Needless to say, that hug gave me no encouragement! We have become so isolated and so in fear that we are no longer able to seek touch except through what we are, in effect, not to participate in without marriage...Sex! I think your book allows readers to think of Hunter's feelings, even we females, but this is fiction... What is the answer for real life?

Recognizing and respecting proper boundaries goes without saying. But beyond that, I believe our relationships and interactions would look much different if we allowed ourselves to be genuine more often. Really, we’re all screwed up in some way or another. Why pretend we’re not? Admitting it gives us more credibility to reach out to others. 

You close one chapter with a question "If they couldn't find hope in their church, not even with their pastor, to whom could they turn?" What would you want your readers to discover as a result of your book?

We impact others more than we realize. I’d want readers—and me too—to ask ourselves, “Do we hurt other people for the sake of our pride?” And if so, how much is it worth to hurt another soul? 

Randy, in a flashback by Hunter, responds to the question of whether he knew anybody gay, with "Don't make me puke, Can you imagine how disgusting that would be? They should round 'em up and keep 'em together in a colony or something, like they used to do with the fucking lepers." Yet, later in adult life Randy came and told him he supported Hunter. What do you want the readers to see in that dramatic change of heart?

We all grow. We all deal with regrets about how we've treated people, and I wanted to illustrate that in Randy. Randy made that original remark as a teenager. During those coming-of-age years, amid the insecurities inherent in them, we enter self-preservation mode. For most young males, the mere suspicion that he might be gay is among his worst nightmares. Oftentimes, they overcompensate as a defense mechanism, saying whatever they need to say to either hide the fact those feelings exist or to prove its non-existence. That early remark shows Randy in overcompensation mode. Randy didn't intend to hurt anyone; the poor kid was just scared.

One of the results of Hunter being "outed" was the response of "Christians." One pastor and others immediately took the offense, quoting scripture... Yet another pastor, used many parts of the Bible to explain what really might be the intent of scripture. Bottom line, John, from your study and research for the Book, what does God say about homosexuality?

People can come up with arguments on both sides of the issue, citing words and language translations and historical contexts. Personally, I’d rather look at how God says to treat others: with love and mercy. Love never fails. Love believes the best about others. More than anything, we need to know we’re loved. If love exists, the rest is covered. We can agree, or we can agree to disagree, but we love nonetheless.

And based upon that answer, what do you personally believe about those who identify themselves as homosexual?

Frankly, I don’t consider sexuality a factor that defines a person. We can be homosexual, heterosexual, male, female, black, white, high income, low income, highly educated, little educated, or any degree in between. Those are all surface-level characteristics, but who we truly are—that exists entirely in the heart. It’s the aspect of us that cannot be physically seen, yet it manifests itself in how we treat others.

Thank you John for this wonderful time of discussion! God Bless your continued writing!

Betweem These Walls by John Herrick - Top Personal Favorite Past Five Years! Watch for Author Discussion Tomorrow!

One of the important issues in my life has been the church...My mother made sure we were all there every time the door opened. But as I grew up and became more aware of the surrounding world, especially in recent years, the second most important issue to me is sexuality and its blatant use to see anything and everything, while human trafficking has become rampant.

John Herrick is the first author I've read that has taken these two important issues in today's world and created a powerful, realistic, and somewhat devastating look and, yet, a book that will allow each reader to enter into the setting he's created and follow the life of one young man. But there was no way that this book did not become more than the story itself. Readers, including me, will enter into the story. No matter what issues you may have had with these two topics--religion and sexuality in your own life, you will find the emotional and intellectual review to be transferable to your own life. This must-read novel will so involve readers, if they allow it to be more than just another story, that it may, at least, give you the awareness that you are not alone. There are others that are confused, afraid, full of guilt...and filled with secrets...

Has the Little Brown Church Disappeared?

Between These Walls

By John Herrick

Powerful...

Life-Altering...

God-inspired...

Meet Hunter Carlisle. He is a Christian. He is the man next door. He's Gay...

Hunter was a Christian and believed in saving sex for marriage. He held to the concept as a core component of his faith. And it wasn't pious showmanship; he believed positive results would follow if he saved himself for another, giving himself to another as a gift. The concept served as an anchor for his heart.

But in light of his personal struggle with attraction--or lack thereof--to women, the concept of saving sex for marriage had also proven convenient. Not that Hunter had planned it as such; it had merely worked out that way. But it had brought him refuge over the years. By its nature, waiting revolved around time, and this particular wait afforded him an abundance of time to find his way out of his struggle.

Hunter had never looked at his struggle as
perversion. He had always thought of perversion
as the result of a long road of intentional,
specific actions--a series of desired choices,
things people welcomed into their lives. Yet
Hunter's battle felt nothing like a choice, and
he certainly never considered it welcome.
In fact, Hunter's feelings had little if anything,
to do with any type of sexual encounter. Rather,
it felt more like a need for acceptance, a desire
for companionship with someone who could
understand him.
~~~

Hunter had realized before his teens that his feelings were different. But he also felt different within his family. His older brother and his father were both totally into sports. Hunter became active too, but was it a choice to become closer to his father. In any event, when he decided to start dating girls, he made it easy for himself by closing off a relationship before it got too intense. 

By the time the book begins, Hunter is 26, working as a sales rep, and dating Kara. Both being Christian, they have decided to not have sex before marriage. We learn his story through black flashes of parts of his early years.

Lately, however, his sales have plummeted and he's begun to worry about his job. One of the reasons may very well be that he's begun to consider the men with whom he's doing business, checking them out, wondering if they are gay, be ashamed for even thinking what he was thinking... Maybe he just wasn't keeping him mind where it belonged... Maybe that's why he was let go by his company...

Kara, his girlfriend, is also a sales rep but she travels all over the world and they really don't see each other often. Hunter was an individual who didn't trust. His life had been full of secrets most of his life. When he was hurt by his father's favoritism, he held that pain and sometimes anger inside. As he did with all those feelings that came with his attraction.

Hunter's becoming a Christian was the most important event in his life. He was no longer alone. He was loved. He knew God in a personal relationship.

But he was not "fixed" as some people are--you know, no longer smoking or drinking, etc. His secret feelings did not change as he'd hoped. Maybe later?

He started attending church and a men's bible study... Unfortunately, the walls appeared there in that small room. Discussing interpersonal relationships was bound to occur, but when snide remarks regarding homosexuality were thrown out, with no value judgments following, he began to feel the pain and fear. 

If he could not be free of guilt and shame within the Church environment, where could he be safe, where could he find counsel?

Sometimes, when Hunter sat in the midst of a group of people, he wondered if he was the only person who struggled that way. Surely someone else understood. Surely he'd crossed paths with another individual who wrestled the same way and Hunter hadn't known it about him. Or, at least, Hunter hoped so.
Not that he wished his inner torment on anybody else. He just craved someone who could understand.
As the group continued its discussion, Hunter looked around and wondered if anyone else in this room faced what he did. Oh, what he would give to find out, but he wouldn't dare ask! Even if they dealt with the same thing, he knew they would deny it rather than face public embarrassment. That would leave Hunter humiliated with nothing gained. If anything, other guys went overboard in their efforts to quash mere speculation about their sexuality. Hunter could play that masculine game with the best of them, yet he wondered why they placed the game in the first place. It made everything harder for the people who fakes it...
"Okay, I'm just going to say this," said a young guy named Ross..."The whole lust thing--I don't know, it's a major challenge for guys."
Hunter's ears perked up.
"I guess it's okay to admit that here," continued the college student. "I've done okay so far, but a lot of the girls out there--well, they're just as bad about it as the guys are, you know?"
Lust for women. One one hand, Hunter admired the guy's honesty. On the other hand, Hunter wished that were his own admission. The guys could relate to it and provide encouragement. Hunter watched it unfold: the caring words, the you-can-do-it pats on the back...
"it could be worse," Joe chimed in with a chuckle. "I mean, at least you're not gay, right?"
Hunter seized control of his facial muscles before his eyes could react. He felt his arm and leg muscles tighten as he fought to maintain his composure, the way he did any time a conversation in his vicinity turned to homosexuality, jokes or otherwise.
...Ross's face warmed to a shade of pink as he emitted a nervous laugh. "Yea, you're right about that. No worries there.
Joe wouldn't say those things if he knew what it's like to deal with it, thought Hunter.
~~~

It was Ellen, a long-time friend of Hunter, with whom he did share to some extent, that suggested that he try massage therapy and went on to praise the benefit she received in release of tension. Finally Hunter was desperate enough to try it...still no job, an unwillingness to discuss it with Kara. He also didn't feel safe to seek counsel at church--once he had heard somebody sharing what surely was confidential within the church to another member. How can you feel safe with anybody?

Physically, Hunter knew he was in depression and decided to try massage therapy, not even thinking that Ellen's therapist was male... Hunter had just met Gabe Hellman...

As always, I'm stopping short of getting beyond a general overview... There is one key point though that I found important. Hunter and Gabe were no different in their emotional interactions than in any other human relationship. There was the first nervous awareness, the slight, probably accidental touch that still meant so much, and which always led to wondering whether it had been done on purpose, with the pleasure that thought brought forth. Readers will enjoy reading about the connection that each of us has experienced at one time or another in their life. The only difference was the sex of the two participants. As an aside, I found it sad that, when entering searches for the above picture, I was immediately referred to gay sites, with no pictures from the general search. What that tells me is that the stereotype relationship between two men probably is sexual and general pictures such as you can easily find between a man and woman are numerous and readily available. Making assumptions about people is ingrained in our society...

No wonder Hunter and many others keep their thoughts and desires secret. Consider if you would, along with me, that the church generally condemns homosexuality without hesitation, except for a select few... Now consider a pregnant woman who needs help, but doesn't feel she can turn to the church because she has "sinned." What about one of a couple, both of whom are married to somebody else, who couldn't possibly share what has occurred with their pastor... I know that one time I wanted to talk with my pastor--can't remember what about now. What I remember was that a woman on the church board would have to be present. Out goes the confidentiality of pastor-member interaction.

Some churches have become so insular that visitors often immediately feel the tension of being an outsider. I left my last church for that reason. What makes Christians so insensitive to how they may affect the emotional stability of others... This is one of the most important aspects of Herrick's novel...inserting the inner reality of what is found in many of today's churches...

John Herrick's book blasts readers with an unexpected ending. Unfortunately, it wasn't surprising... Learn empathy from Hunter and Gabe... Learn sympathy to those who are out there seeking help and counsel just like Hunter and Gabe... Consider what your own feelings are about Hunter and Gabe and ask, "What would Jesus Say to them?"

Read this book to help you find your way to an answer that only you and God can discover together. Get it...Now...

GABixlerReviews

A self-described "broken Christian," John Herrick battled depression since childhood. In that context, however, he developed intuition for themes of spiritual journey and the human heart.

Herrick graduated from the University of Missouri—Columbia. Rejected for every writing position he sought, he turned to information technology and fund development, where he cultivated analytical and project management skills that helped shape his novel-writing process. He seized unpaid opportunities writing radio commercial copy and ghostwriting for two nationally syndicated radio preachers.

The Akron Beacon Journal hailed Herrick's From the Dead as "a solid debut novel." Published in 2010, it became an Amazon bestseller. The Landing, a semifinalist in the inaugural Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest, followed.

Herrick's nonfiction book 8 Reasons Your Life Matters introduced him to new readers worldwide. The free e-book surpassed 100,000 downloads and hit #1 on Amazon's Motivational Self-Help and Christian Inspiration bestseller lists. Reader response prompted a trade paperback.

His latest novel, Between These Walls, returns readers to Hudson, Ohio, to which he introduced them in From the Dead. Herrick admits his journey felt disconnected. "It was a challenge but also a growth process," he acknowledges. "But in retrospect, I can see God's fingerprints all over it."