It's well over 20 years since I walked off the job with a medical leave that had been documented by my primary doctor, and the required psychiatric review... In general, I am fine, but I never know when something will happen to trigger me... Normally, I have one of two different emotional responses. I cry and withdraw. Or, I become overtly angry or aggressive...
Once I was diagnosed and had many different episodes, although more so immediately after I had retired. I still have flashbacks. I had one recently so decided to write about it... You see, once the trauma has occurred, your brain is never the same.
Amygdala. This 1-inch, almond-shaped area of the brain is considered the “fire alarm.” Once it senses danger, the amygdala is the part that kicks you into fight-or-flight mode.
If you’re living with trauma, research shows that your amygdala doesn’t recognize the difference between a threat then and a threat now. So, when you’re reminded of a past experience, it responds exactly as it would if you were experiencing the traumatic event for the first time, sending out a rush of stress hormones, like cortisol.
As a result, you may feel like you’re on edge, on high alert, or have high levels of stress or anxiety all the time.
Hippocampus Located at the back of the brain, the hippocampus is considered the learning center.
Research shows that the hippocampus is smaller and less active in people who’ve experienced trauma, which can create issues around memory and problem-solving.
This can make it hard for you to distinguish between the past and present, keeping you in a constant state of hypervigilance or strong emotional reactivity.
Prefrontal cortex. Located at the front of your brain, the prefrontal cortex is the rational, decision-making area. For those living with trauma, research shows that the prefrontal cortex is less active.
This suppression can slow down the learning of new information that could help you control your fear. Combined with an overactive amygdala, the prefrontal cortex can have a harder time overriding the fight, flight, or freeze response.
As such, you may feel like you have a hard time controlling your fear response or struggle with logical thinking.
Nervous system, When the nervous system is constantly in overdrive with PTSD, it can shrink your window of tolerance — that is, the amount of stress you can handle before it becomes unmanageable.
Compared to a person without a history of trauma, you may find that you’re set off by smaller events or have a trauma response around an event when others might not. See entire article: https://psychcentral.com/ptsd/the-science-behind-ptsd-symptoms-how-trauma-changes-the-brain
PTSD is most associated with veterans who have suffered major trauma in their lives, often resulting with flashbacks into a war-like situation.
But, for me, and perhaps many others who do not know it, PTSD can evolve as a part of your job. Commonly referred to as Job Burnout. Thankfully this has now been recognized as an individual issue, as opposed to being umbrellaed under Clinical Depression, which, often, has no basis of understanding as to what issues you are experiencing.
When I was first diagnosed, I had almost nightly dreams, waking up to find myself in the midst of doing some tedious job at work that never seemed to end. It was something simple, like copying a report. Yet the loss of control, the feeling of the task never getting done magnified through a simple, boring job that continues in your head, even after waking up. A feeling of failure is often an adjective that could be used. One for me is frustration... Why? Because I knew that it wasn't my fault that I was now living with job burnout...
Or Was It?
At this time in my life, I waver about that answer... so I'm going to bypass that for now and just share my latest...explosion...
I have been in Physical Therapy for many weeks and looking forward to closing out these sessions, and, thinking about continuing with fitness exercising which is less formal but at the same location.
At any given session, it has ranged so that I was the only one there up to there being around ten on the various machines. Every once in a while, I find myself tensing up--there are people talking, loudly. I'm thinking they should be exercising... Even as I write, I realize that the setting puts me into a work environment where I am constantly thinking about performance--and being tested on it...
As with most activities, I tend to get totally involved and am watching how things operate--whether they are efficient, friendly but professional. Some of you may remember reading about what I went through while having my roof replaced... It had set me back into trauma, big time... Anyway, sometimes, depending on a day in general, guys might get into talking sports. And, for some reason, some men refuse to consider exactly where they are and, LOL, "don't use their inside voices..." Ok, I'm not a sports fan, but really, somebody talking loudly so that everybody else in the room can hear it bothers me. I consider it impolite--so sue me for feeling...
Other times politics has come up. Here's the thing for me. If I am talking politics with somebody I know and feel safe in expressing my views, I am okay. Other times, like recently, I think there were six of us there. All of a sudden, one man started talking about immigrants by the busload. Another added a comment I couldn't exactly hear (I was in a room having heat applied and in the dark and couldn't see who was talking and what was being said exactly.)
There is no way around it. In my mind. helping any immigrant seeking help brings to mind a scripture: Jesus saying, "What you do until the least of these, you do unto me..."
Now before you want to say something in response of this belief I have, I want to quickly say to you that if all people acted on these words, then there would be no need to turn people away. There are always ways to be more efficient in getting the work done to make these people feel accepted, then there would not be all the confusion...all the talk about a wall...because we would seek to feed and give as needed...
We all remember when Trump/Sessions called for a separation of children and parents. It received world-wide criticism because in doing this, there was absolutely NO planning on how it would be handled, nor the separations accounted for, or tracked. Can we blame the parents or the children who were afraid. No, it was the past president who acted to deter those, claiming that all were criminals... yet, we know that it was based on prejudice--prejudice of the republican party. No? How else can we explain that the DACA children have never been dealt with because of the republican party's unwillingness or procrastination. These individuals are already in America, doing jobs, paying taxes...yet they are forced to remain in fear, anger, frustration, because of a political party who refuses to work in support of America's needs, our goals...
And then I heard a female voice say, "I don't believe that anything they say about Trump is true..."
Bullshit!
Zap! I moved in Aggression, slid off the table--with the heating elements with me and the Physical Therapist running in to get them off of me...
I remember that I said something like, "I must speak Truth..."
One guy was pointing to me to say who said it... then commenting he didn't like Trump or Biden...got up and moved somewhere else... I did have the presence to stop and thank the PT and said I was feeling better...
And I moved toward the individual who in her opinion, felt that Trump was blameless... I could feel myself flashback as I turned in my sister's kitchen and saw that she had a picture of Trump's entire family on her refrigerator and could feel myself stunned. It was that same sister who said when I mentioned I was going to sign up to vote and told me that I would have to vote republican...as a Christian! I responded I had already signed up as an Independent to allow myself to make my own decisions.
Just how many times do we, who have done the research, do we who have heard Trump himself saying awful things about people, do we who have knowledge of the many criminal acts for which he had already been charged, seem to be swept away by somebody saying, "I don't care, I like him..." I started telling about the fact that his former financial officer was now in jail, for instance...it didn't phase her. Finally she brought up the one thing I'd heard before. I calmed down and told her I'd already checked out the issue and I could plainly see that the pic had been photoshopped... and in another that the mother was the one who took action...
But, let's face it, if somebody is willing to take things that are said and accept it as truth, then how can I, or anybody else, succeed in sharing what is actually happening and that millions are seeing what I see, but some, for whatever reason, cannot.
So, to clarify...here's the issue that started when Jeffrey Epstein was arrested... Even though research has been done and verified by Reuters, people took a false piece of salacious material and moved it forward to indict Biden as a pedophile. Of course he's not the only one... Don Lemon, who already lost his job... Adam Schiff, and who knows how many others? Just how far can lies and prejudicial information travel? Well, if you have no desire to confirm it yourself, it goes very far...
But then, as many of my readers know, I have already identified myself as an individual who was a victim of incest. And, believe me, I would be very sure before I even suggested it of somebody I hardly knew... Yet millions are doing it. I have watched Joe Biden in crowds. It has been pointed out to him that he was too touchy--since we are about the same age, I point to the fact that in early years of my life, touching and hugging was routinely done among friends and acquaintances. I even studied it in non-verbal communication...
And, now, a man who has been devastated by the loss of his first wife and a child is being accused, in my opinion, falsely. Indeed, the fact that Hunter Biden, who was the lone survivor of that accident, is now being accused of all sorts of things involving money and the Biden family... Doesn't that sound familiar? So, when I heard about Biden/Hunter's money, after stating the minor legal issues for which he was accused, I immediately point out the significant activities, probably criminal, done by Trump's daughter and son-in-law which is in the millions... that is pushed aside with an agreement to disagree...
But, you see, folks, I can't accept lies and opinions. If I am wrong about Biden, I want to know the truth. Yet, even after I check it out, it is not enough... Truth is not what is being sought... Trump followers want to be...right...even if they are wrong and it is hurting the country...
That is why I was up late trying to get past the fact that I lost control, in a public place...and I don't regret it because I am sick and tired of being told lies upon lies upon lies and then get excuses that they don't have the time... And, yes, of course, I'm not talking just about this incident...but with my family...
Right now, I'm not sure what to do. Can I afford to go back to a place where the general public openly get into discussions, which may result in somebody being upset when I speak truth? BTW, in another smaller episode, I had one lady come to me and quietly looked around, saying "They don't understand, do they?" I shook my head no. Then she said, I think Trump is evil..." I told her I did too...and then we quietly separated, at least knowing that others saw what we saw but were sometimes afraid to speak about it... After all, MAGA individuals have been known to either harass or actually harm those who speak out; and I knew that there were Pennsylvanians who were part of the mob on January 6th...
And that, folks, is living with a brain that has been affected by trauma--mine through job burnout--and dealing with all the chaos that followed 2016, which was, as now being told about, started long before then.
God Bless,
Gabbie
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